The Real Face of the Internet

Written by Triangle717

First published on on July 24th, 2012

Everybody says that cats are the face of the Internet, and at first glance, it would seem that way. We have the Nyan Cat and all its clones, we have talking cats like Oh Long Johnson, and all the other cat videos on the Internet. But, this assumption is false. Cats are not the face of the Internet, dogs are.

If you look on the Internet for talking dog videos, for example, you won’t find too many. And have you even heard of the Nyan Dog? Neither have I. So if dogs are the real face of the Internet, how come there aren’t many videos of them?

The answer to that question may surprise you. You see, they aren’t the face of the that we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror. They are the face behind the face, like the face behind all the clown makeup.

Dogs are the masterminds of the Internet. They were the creators of the Internet, the originators of the microchip, and the brains behind big sites such as Dogs sit behind the computer all day writing programs, finalizing the HTML5 specification, and fixing whatever errors pop up from massive amounts of arrows to the knees.

Cats, on the other hand, are lazy and dumb. All they do is demand more expensive food, roam all throughout the city sleep, and let you record them doing “funny” things. They do not know a lick of programming, nor the difference between “href” and “name”. All they know is how to open Internet Explorer 6 and watch YouTube videos of themselves.

Do you remember the PlayStation Network outage of 2011? It lasted for 24 days, was said to be caused by hackers, and was poorly managed. But that is actually far from the truth. One night, a cat sneaked into the server room and started changing the entire system. It’s intentions were good, but because it didn’t know how to program, it didn’t know to do anything. The cat removed some lines of code, thinking they were dead, and that single act caused all the credit card information and everything else to be leaked.

When the piracy breach was discovered, the dogs could have fixed it within a few days, but management higher up (A.K.A. cats) told them to leave it alone and “let what happens happen”. The Boss cats issued the few statements they did saying the breach was being looked into, when it actually wasn’t. These statements and their false claims were issued to turn the public opinion against the dogs so cats would continue to be the face of the Internet. And those free games and service that was given to PlayStation Network players after the network reboot? They only happened because the two dogs on the Sony Board of Directors convinced the greedy cats that if nothing was done, more players would be lost both now and in the future.

From this example, we see that dogs are extremely busy maintaining the Internet, get blamed for everything that goes wrong, and when they get off work they are tired and go straight to sleep, wake up in a few hours and do it all over again. Admittedly, cats work too, but their “work” consists of… what I said it consisted of earlier. Thus there are few of dogs videos on the Internet while there are millions of hours of cat videos.

It is wished by all dogs everywhere that one day a cat leader will rise up and proclaim to all cats of all nations and breeds:

Hey cats! What are we doing? Why are we lying around all day eating tuna? Why are we so unlearned? Why are dogs highly overworked and are smaller in number than us, while we have nothing to do and outnumber dogs? This isn’t right! Cats, kittens, listen to me! We are going to help the dogs! We are going to learn from the dogs how to program! We are going to work 24/7, we are going to have sleepless days, we are going to do EVERYTHING the dogs can do and WE are going to work, command. and fix the Internet, for the dogs have worked too much, while we sit here Nyaning all the live long day! WE are going to do EVERYTHING, so the dogs can take a break and be the face of the Internet, as they have been for ALL these years. If you don’t like it, there will no tuna for ANYONE for 2 years! Now, who is with me?

And of course, all the cats will cheer and agree. But as all dogs know, the day this happens would be they day cats have lost their minds, and that will happen on the first Wednesday that falls on Sunday.

Next time you see a video of a cat, or someone sends you a link to the Nyan Cat, you see an article that has the word “kittehs” in it, or you see an article discussing how cats are the face of the Internet, remember that cats are not the face of the Internet as it is commonly proclaimed, but that dogs are and have been, 100% of the time.

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